·  Remember the good stuff. Be grateful and write down positive experiences at the end of the day.

·  Rest. Get plenty of sleep and take breaks away from your desk for lunch and away from your workplace once a week.

·  Be open and curious when the unexpected happens. Look at new experiences with curiosity rather than fear.

·  See green. Go outside in nature or bring nature to your home with plants.

·  Exercise. Studies show that exercise helps beat the negative feelings associated with stress and lifts the spirits.

·  Avoid smoking, drugs and alcohol.



A line from the Book of Esther, “Perhaps it is for just this moment you have risen to the palace,” went through my head.

mirrored column, copyright Reba Connell 2010

Esther was a Jewish queen who was chosen to marry the king of Persia during a time when the King’s advisor, Haman, was plotting to kill the kingdom’s Jews. Reluctant to put her life in danger, she concealed her identity.  The people are saved when the queen comes out. The holiday of Purim is celebrated with reading the Book of Esther, parody plays, and costume carnivals including drag. To encourage Esther to come out, her wise uncle Mordecai says this line to her, “Perhaps it is for just this moment you have risen to the palace.”

It is not a line I spent much time with before, but at 4 a.m., it has my attention.

What does it come to tell me?

That I became a Certified Gottman Method Couples’ Therapist last summer so that I am in a position to ask the Gottmans to sign a friend of the court brief?

I’m excited to play a part in creating something that could change marriage policy for the whole United States, which could potentially influence policy in the whole world.

My thoughts are good ones — clear, thoughtful, and passionate, wanting to contribute to justice. I write them down, they settle, and I sleep.

In the morning, the burst of activity begins again, helping our amazing pro-bono attorney, Ruel Walker, who is also a therapist, edit the amicus brief in the federal Proposition 8 case. Along with Gaylesta and many more therapist organizations, Julie and John Gottman and the Gottman Relationship Institute, international leaders in relationship research and therapy, enthusiastically sign the brief, expressing their support for marriage equality. Local LGBTQ therapists are moved by the Gottmans’ support.

The flurry continues, editing the press release with a group including Lisa Maurel, MFT. The press release lets people know that the research shows that quality of the parenting, not the gender of the parents, affects parenting outcomes.

When my pace returns to my usual slower speed, I look at the Esther verse in Hebrew, “For this moment, you have arrived at the palace.”  The palace, or malchut, is royalty, and in Kabbalah, malchut also points to the Shekhinah, the feminine, indwelling divine in each of us, the aspect of divinity closest to earth and to our intuitive knowing.

"Performance artist and fashion designer Eric "HystErica" Glaser,copyright Reba Connell 2010

Perhaps it is for just this moment you have arrived at sacred intuition.

What else happened in this story just when it was needed in this moment? What is the malchut, the palace? Connection with the Gottmans, having purchased a laptop just in time for this project, even the being awake at 4 to seize the momentum, are all aspects of the glowing palace, dignity, the spark of the divine.

What does “this moment” mean? Every moment, this breath, in, out.

The work I did was a tiny piece of a larger enterprise brought about by California Therapists for Marriage Equality and my colleague Jim Walker, MFT. We await the outcome of the trial, and the long inevitable progress of justice. Closing argments are scheduled for June 16, 2010. This process sparked a reminder in me of the longing to be of use, to connect clinical social work to the larger context of social justice for all peoples.

At a small dinner celebrating completion of the brief, tears filled my eyes and my voice caught as I remembered why Esther comes out of the closet, to save her people. Just as we are compelled to do today, for queer liberation and so many freedom movements.

Like many people, I notice that even though I have been out for many years, each new situation, like writing this blog, can be a little hard. I want to be more out professionally so that my community can benefit from my work, and I also continue to enjoy working with people from a range of backgrounds. It is my intention that the essential core of this story can hold universal messages of authenticity and hope.

Questions to Animate* You

What is the palace for you?

What previously neglected part of you holds just the key to change?

What might you be here to do; to what struggle do you lend your voice?

For just this moment?

(*animate: connects to the root for breath, spirit, and movement)